I was seeing a therapist a few months back and he did an analysis on me. The biggest thing for me was my reaction to compliments.
When someone compliments me, I brush it off. I rarely say thank you and ALWAYS find a way to contradict what they've complimented me on. I dont do this to fish for MORE compliments. I really do it because it makes me uncomfortable to think that anyone notices anything nice about me. I don't like to stand out in a crowd, I like to blend in and people watch. To think that someone else might be observing ME makes me very insecure because my thought process is somewhere along along the lines of " if they've noticed something good, they've surely noticed the bad". Also, there's that awkward moment where you have to notice something great about the other person and compliment them. I mean, that's fine... I love uplifting other people. I love complimenting, gift giving and focusing on others.
I think that's part of the reason of why I'm such a great mom. She welcomes my attention, even needs it.
My therapist challenged me to just accept what this person has said. Say thank you, even dwell on it in a positive manner. But don't brush it off, don't contradict it. I thought that I most certainly could do this.. how hard could it be?
I was very wrong and even to this day, I still struggle with any kind of attention, compliments or gift giving. I hate it so much that I pick fights on birthdays, holidays and even Valentines Day. I've NEVER had a good Valentines Day and it's not because I don't have good valentines, I do... I just don't like to be focused on at all.
When I was younger, my grandmother used to admonish me for looking at my reflection in the mirror. She thought it was vain and absolutely hated it. My cousins made fun of everything, from my nose and mouth to my personality. Living with all of them and being the youngest, other than Kris, I really took this stuff to heart.
As I got older, I grew into my lips and people would tell me how beautiful they were... but I would just brush it off as "they've picked the ugliest thing on my face to compliment me on so that I dont feel bad.."
I HATED my lips growing up... my dad would tell me I'd love them one day because people paid to have lips like mine...
But I never did.
After being adopted, I had two Korean sisters, both with long, jet black, straight hair...
My hair was curly and unruly... I spent years trying to get it straight (eventually gave up on THAT, lol!) Peers at school would tell me how much they loved my curly hair.. they would comment on how soft it was and lots would inquire as of to how I got my hair to curl that way... but I simply brushed it off as a kindness compliment bc growing up with my cousins, I was always told how ugly my hair was and eventually growing up with white parents and two korean sisters made me extremely self conscious of my big, mulatto hair...
All of my sisters were always shaped like caucaisions... straight up and down... but even as a child, my figure was more curvacious than most... never mind that it was mostly muscle and not an ounce of fat anywhere (I see that now when I look at photos.. but never then)... to this day, I'm still VERY self conscious about my body because I never understood why it didnt look like theirs..
In my walk back to him, God has convicted me. He says that he made each and every one of us as individuals.. even that he knew what he was doing and what we would be before we were just a thought.
Jeremiah 1:5: Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I
appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
appointed you as a prophet to the nations."
Psalm 139:13-16: For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I
praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that
full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was
woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained
for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.
Genesis 1:27
27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.
I'm not implying that it is a SIN to be insecure... I'm just simply saying that if God made me to be like him.. If I'm made in HIS image, then I am perfectly made. I hope to be able to shelter Maleigha from my Self-esteem issues because I know that it's easy for a mother to pass this along to her daughter. If I don't see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made by the God that created me, what's to make her see this?
And last but not least, what about Paul? He couldve been insecure because of his eye sight and speech issues. But he wasnt and was chosen by Jesus to disciple and lead other Christians in the salvation of the Jews.
(2 Corinthians 12:7-9) just because of the excess of the revelations. Therefore, that I might not feel overly exalted, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, an angel of Satan, to keep slapping me, that I might not be overly exalted. 8 In this behalf I three times entreated the Lord that it might depart from me; 9 and yet he really said to me: “My undeserved kindness is sufficient for you; for [my] power is being made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, will I rather boast as respects my weaknesses, that the power of the Christ may like a tent remain over me.
Wrapping up day 2 of Taking Back Me is important. This is what I've learned.
I feel as though this could be a slap in the face to God if he didn't know my heart. I think I could damage Maleigha if I continued to carry these burdens with me and not hand them over to my god. I know what I want for my daughter and I dont want her to feel insecure about her self. I dont want her to be ashamed to stand out in a crowd of people. I'm not saying I want her to be a ham.. I just want her to be content with her.
My dad told us girls how beautiful we were multiple times a day. He gave us lots of hugs, lots of kisses... bedtime stories and lots of father daughter bonding time so that when a male told us that we were pretty, we weren't rolling over in admiration for them.
I know lots of young girls didnt have father figures growing up or didnt share the special bond that I shared with my dad. I know that it's important that Maleigha's father remain in her life and that he's to her what my dad was to me. I know that as a mother it's important for me to step in, also and teach her that she IS beautiful and that God made her perfectly because she is made like him.
For Maleigha and I both, I plan to follow through with the advice of my therapist. To accept compliments and not brush them off. To use MY insecurities, not to burden her but to be a testimony to her because I believe we struggle so that we can help others...
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