I've come to the realization that after entering into my relationship3 years ago, I lost sight of the person that I am.
Anyone meeting me after the first year of this relationship really has no idea who ROXY is...
How could they if even I've forgotten me? After the year mark of my relationship, I was no longer Roxy but RoxyandTravis. I'd come to the understanding that if I wanted to KEEP my relationship with this person that I loved so much and valued so much, I was going to have to make a few changes and a lot of compromises. It's a nice concept and relationships ARE about compromises but I did it way wrong. My intentions were all the best but as stated above, I lost the individuality of ME in the relationship. I was no longer offering up what Rox would bring to the table but I was instead changing my life to center around this relationship and this person. I understand (and understood before I helped make this mess of us) that you have to be two individuals creating a whole to make one..
After having my daughter, I was TravisandMaleigha. I'd completely taken MY needs out of the whole equation, in turn creating a web of resentment and lots of finger pointing and blaming. As stated in a previous entry, I love anything that has to do with creative writing and the best way for me to figure anything out is to put it in visible words. So in an effort to take back ME and make myself 1/3 of a whole, as opposed to just one, I've decided to blog it out!
My core values come from many places. My parents, interactions with others,watching others and many experiences through the years. I know that some will become more important than others and I'll add on more as the years progress and my life experiences change but I have an understanding that they will all remain important to me.
The foundation for my core values are important and they will help me raise Maleigha to the best of knowledge, make me a better person and improve the way I interact with others. My parents have instilled these in me since I was a child.
First and foremost, is that God is first. He is placed before your spouse, your children and any other relationship you may maintain with others.
"In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success." - Proverbs 3:6
"Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed."
-Proverbs 16:3
"God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it"
-1 Corinthians 10:13
If you don't have God as the focal point of your relationships or your life... if you're loving someone/something more than God then your relationship, or that thing that you love so much.. is all in vain. But if you put him first and seek his council in everything that you do, you are less likely to make the mistakes that you make now. If you learn to listen to him, he will never direct you in the wrong direction, he'll bless the path that you're walking because it's HIS will .He'll never give you more than you can handle because we are supposed to be a testament to others in our love for him. How can we be a testimony of faith if he's walking us down the wrong path or if we aren't succeeding at what he'd have us do? We simply can not and because we are supposed to be a witness of his love to other people, God blesses those that listen to him and walks with him He equipps them with the tools necessary to get the tasks done that he's assigned us for our purpose of this life. My parents also taught me that no matter what I've been through, someone SOMEWHERE in the Bible has been there and God has an answer for it all.. the Bible is our blueprint to life. You wouldn't take on an enormous task of building a house all by yourself with no blueprint.. why take on a huge task, such as life, without your blueprint? Why stress and go through life in a frenzy because you feel as if you have no answers for any of life's biggest issues? I've learned that they ARE right (as usual) and there are solutions and ways to avoid the majority of my mistakes by talking daily with God and visiting him in his word.
They taught me to love unconditionally...and to forgive. I struggle with this a little bit but I'm trying my hardest to grasp it for my sake, for Maleigha's and for Travis' because now that I understand it, it's made such a huge impact on my life. I can't even begin to explain to you the mistakes that I made as a teen and well into my 20's. OH. MY. GOODNESS. Every time I faltered, I thought for SURE that my parents would disown me. As I continued to make mistake after mistake and bad decisions, one after another, I thought for sure that I was getting closer to being unloved and disliked. I was always apologetic and contemplative AFTER my bad decision but never once thought, before making a poor choice, the affect that it would have on them or me. My dad always said " I don't mind you guys making mistakes, I know you will.. I just don't want you to make the same stupid mistakes over and over again" He could never figure out why we never learned from others mistakes...we were def stove-top-kids, lol. ESPECIALLY Kris and I. Once I started realizing what I was going though, how I was hurting them and me... I took a step back and re evaluated my life. My heart hurt for myself and my parents because of the hell that I'd put us all through. But I realized that they never once stopped loving me. They love pretty hard. I'm so grateful for this value that they brought into my life. I'm so thankful that their love never came with conditions, that even after my mistakes and after coming out of my fog of stupid, they were still there for me with open arms. Wide open. Even my mother whom I'd so blatantly disrespected for 13 years. In the aspect of loving, like my parents, I love hard. I understand that people make mistakes and that I need to forgive. I understand the freedom that comes with forgiving someone. It's one of the biggest obstacles in my life right now though, because I'm still a little iffy on the process but it goes back to placing God as the center of your life. I'm obviously not quite there yet. My dad says that we need to learn what's a big deal and in life, there really aren't too many not worth forgiving. I should know this better than anyone. In 2006, my little sister and I had an altercation a few days before her death. I called her selfish.. she was anything but.. I understand now that she was just more frugal than the rest of us girls, lol. She liked to save everything. Anyways, I'll never ever get this out of my head.. it should always be a constant reminder but I often forget more than I remember. I called her selfish..and she gabbed my hand
"No, I'm not.. I'm not Rox" I saw the hurt in her face. But my defense then, was she'd hurt me. The person that I was then, I'm ashamed to say.. fed a little off knowing that I'd hurt her like she'd hurt me. So even while my heart was hurting for hurting her.. I brushed her hand off of me and disappeared to my room. I will never forget the look in her eyes.. I'll never forget any of it. See.. growing up, we were really close. Anytime either of us fought with anyone, we appeared in the others room to comfort them. I slept in her room when it was thundering and lightning.. but she was my little sister so when I felt anyone had approached her wrong, I was very confrontational, as I am with my other family members. The night she died, we were still in a disagreement.. she'd had a disagreement with a member of our family and was very visibly upset. But this time, I didn't go to comfort her bc I was upset with her. I don't know.. I guess I always just figured it would come later. Later never came. A few days after her funeral, I saw a game she would've loved and in my stupor I reached for it.. only to remember that she was no longer here. I dream about her every night and every morning when I'm coming out of dream land, I think my little sister is still alive. I don't know if this will ever stop. And I always think that if I'd forgiven her, if I'd just gone to her room or let her know that I WAS still there for her, that the night would've never happened the way it did. The weight of her death is on my shoulders and I need to forgive myself more than anything. I know she does because that's the person she was. But there's more to it.. like seeing my parents cry.. have you ever seen a grown man cry? Or your mom TRULY hurting...? It's a horrible feeling. A little forgiveness goes a long way and you never know how one "tiny" decision can affect you and those around you. Love unconditionally and help people understand that your love has no conditions... no limit.. because you truly LOVE them. If your love DOES have conditions... if a person's actions makes you not "love" them, then you never really loved them. You may have times when you dislike them... but true love is unconditional and forgiving love.
I try to always tell the truth and be honest mostly because I've learned that when you lie, you have to cover your lie up with more lies..I hate it when others lie to me. It's one of my biggest pet peeves! I do not like liars but I know I have to learn to love them, still. I feel as if I'm being deceived. I have trust issues and it takes a lot for me to let anyone new in my life (working on it!) and most people mistake it for being stuck up or snooty.. but if you only knew what I'd been through, I believe you'd completely understand. Out of respect for my biological family and at the risk of pointing fingers for my flaws, I'd rather not discuss this issue. I have a fear of letting people in my life and letting them get too close to me. If someone lies to me, it only complicates the issue more. Because of my understanding of how I feel about this issue.. I try to be honest with everyone. Especially now because I like to feel secure in my relationships with friends and family. I fail.. I slip up but I'm learning to ask for forgiveness :)
I believe that people should be humble and satisfied with what they've been blessed with. I believe, now, in defining my wants from my needs..my parents would probably fall over in... amazement? Relief? Ummm.. but Travis should be grateful to them for this since he's the only working member of our little family, lol! This def goes back to the mistakes that I made a few years back. Can we say shopaholic? Can we saaaay.." Roxy didn't spend her money, she spent mom's and dad's..." I was way out of control. I shopped when I was angry, when I was sad and even when I was happy... that's all the time, right? Right.. I shopped all the time. With permission, without permission... I will NEVER EVER give Maleigha a credit card.. not even for emergencies, until she starts working and learning the value of wants, needs and being humble. One Sunday I prayed to be humbled. Do you KNOW.. I'd started a new job paying a good percentage higher than my old job...but never saw a check until my mom, an attorney, had a little chat with them. But by then, they'd let me go bc I got haughty with the assistant district manager for working for so long and never seeing a check. I photographed screaming children, families ranging anywhere from 2 to a group of 20 everyday from 8 am to sometimes 11 at night (it was Christmas time) and never saw ONE check. I'd just moved into a new apartment. SO.. I lost my job, lost my apartment, found out I was pregnant (um, hello.. no money?), couldn't register for school (only two quarters left at the time) because I had no transportation.. did I mention my Ptcruiser caught fire? Well it did.. while I was in it. And I had no idea but God was looking out for me bc a stranger knocked on my window and informed me there were flames coming from the bottom of my car app 20 seconds before the floor fell out, the wind shield burst and the headlights popped out. I discovered later that my dad accidentally signed me up for liability inst of full coverage. And rarely does he make a mistake like that, he's pretty thorough. So there I was standing on the sidewalk, barefoot (now I drive with my shoes ON) with my belly poking out to never never land... .. living back at home.. not in school, no job, no money..crying. Not because I'd just escaped with my life.. but because God was being mean to me. After sitting in the house for a few weeks, I realized THIS:
I was flippant with my family and moved out on a whim thinking I had it all together and I'd show them (pretty funny.. and embarrassing!). I prayed to be humbled and humble was what he would make me. I lost everything that I thought would help me survive out there. I had a conversation with my dad and he told me God disciplines his children out of love the way that a parent disciplines their children. It's his way of giving us a little push to remind us that he's still very much there and in charge.. to walk with him.. not to try to be the driver of our own car.. to humble ourselves before him. I prayed for something and ignored him. I MEANT my prayer but I didn't build myself up to work on it..and God tapped me for a few weeks and eventually pushed me. I realized slowly but surely, I have EVERYTHING I need. I have the necessities in life... but I have more than that. I'm surrounded by people who love me.. unconditionally. If the girl I was 2 years ago plus looked in MY closet right now.. she'd turn her nose up. I was humbled. I have more respect for myself bc I know what REALLY matters. I have more respect for my family.. I know they work hard for the money I threw away. And I have one more tool to help me successfully raise my princess.
So.. that took awhile to get out.. but like I said, this is a journey of self-[re]discovery...and I need to thoroughly examine every single aspect of my life. I know my foundation of me is built on being a loving person.. to do it unconditionally.. to forgive willingly so that I can be free, to always be honest and to put God first in EVERYTHING that I do so that he can guide me and so that he will bless my decisions and to be humble before him and others. I officially hand over the driver seat to him bc I'm CLEARLY not driving right.
No comments:
Post a Comment