Maleigha's four months update and other shananigans!

Maleigha and I have been very busy the last few days... 

I dont even know where to start with all that's been going on.

My little stinker binker has began to turn all the over

She's also started to crawl..

Being with her is so amazing, she picks up new characteristics and assets every single day, lol. 

On the 15th she turned four months. She threw quite the little temper tantrum...or two. I cant say that I'm proud of this but it was funny because 

1) It was something new

2)It seems as if my mother's curse of "I hope you have one just like you" has decided to rear its nasty little head!

The first was over the telephone. She screamed at me until I let her hold it by herself. Which I did because she's not old enough to know exactly what she's doing yet. The other reason was that I was in shock that she even knew what it WAS. The second one happened while we were eating at Taco Mac. She wanted the broccoli on my plate but because she's only four months, I refused, thinking she would just as soon forget. She did NOT forget... 

She balled her little fist up, scrunched up her face and nose and let out a loud squeal of anger...then proceeded to grab my broccoli and begin to throw it on the table just as fast as I could pick it up and put it back. Her tiny hands were moving so fast and I could do nothing but laugh until I was out of breath and my tummy hurt. I have a feeling she'll be quite fierce, just the way her mommy was growing up. I only pray that she doesnt put me through what I did to MY parents... pleaseeee. 

So much for ballet.. we might need to rethink this and focus on soccer. That was an awesome outlet for me, growing up. I wanted a princess but I have a feeling she'll be anything but. 

On Valentines day, she was a big hit at the restaraunt, people loved her and she cooed and talked until her little heart was content. She's such a little ham. She never liked strangers in her face but she loves it now. She talks to them, smiles and giggles with them and even "calls" for them to come back when they walk away! 

She especially enjoys Sunday mornings at church. She hangs out in Gammy's lap and soaks up all the attention she can after the sermon. Unfortunately, she thought the pastor was speaking to HER this Sunday     ( we sit front row) and decided to talk back. So much so that my mom had me take her out into the lobby. She REALLY enjoyed this. The only baby out in a lobby full of women, she was the center of attention. The older women really love the huge Anne Gable like bows that we put in her hair and enjoy holding and talking to her as much as she enjoys it. My child doesnt belong to me on Sunday mornings, lol. Travis told me he's starting to feel like my dad because he loves to show her off. All kinds of females, young and old approach him when he's holding her. He's becoming quite the chick magnet, lol. I know it's all if fun, though.

He loves her so much and I love to watch the two of them together. I'm at my most happiest and content when I watch the two of them interact. He's such a good father. Right now he's working two jobs but still manages to make time for both her and I. He goes during the weekdays from 6 to 5 at the assembly line and also goes to the dealership to detail cars on the weekends. He might say he's tired or his feet hurt from being on them all day but he never mentions giving up, nor does he complain anything serious. I cant believe that he's the same person I met in high school or even the same person I knew 2 years ago. He works on the assembly line for a corporation that my mother is the attorney of. He works as a temp right now but is hoping to get on full time soon.  The other day when she came home, she said she'd tried to get his attention but he was so into doing his job that he didnt glance up, not even once. I think it's so attractive that he's such a hard worker. The other day he came home and proudly informed me that a permanent person walked out of the warehouse so he voluntarily stepped in. They told him that if he does that job THAT well, they'll have to hire him on sooner. I made a big deal out of it and he blushed. Made my heart melt a little, lol. He's done an amazing turn around and I couldn't ask for anyone better to be in mine and Maleigha's life. He's definitely developed from a boy to a man. I'm not saying we don't have our issues or that he doesn't make mistakes... I'm simply saying that he's an amazing person and who he is, is good enough for me. We might not have the luxeries that I had while living with my mom... but being with him and Maleigha is enough for me. If I'm going to struggle with ANYONE, they're definitely my pick! I love my little family.

I havent been up to much of anything, taking care of Maleigha fills most of my day. I'm going to start school on Saturday for dental assisting... crossing my fingers and praying that this goes well. I'm also starting to get back in the gym and taking Maleigha for walks in the stroller, which she absolutely LOVESSSSS.

I'm hoping to be a tan skinny chick by summer time, haha. I have to get rid of this baby weight ASAP. Other than that, I've just been handling my at home mommy duties... cleaning like a mad woman, babysitting the boys for my sister and enjoying the occasional companionship of other mom's and ofcourse my besties! I'm also working on "taking back me". It's harder than I thought it'd be but I'm pushing for it, big time. I'll be starting pilates and I'm super excited to get rid of these extra ten lbs and toning my abs. I believe that exercising, school and doing extra curricular activities that I enjoy (reading, writing... going to the nail salon and spa.. ) will definitely get me back on track. I'll make sure to post lots of before and after picturesss!

Anywhoo... have to save some of this energy for my Taking Back Me blog because I'll def end up with a serious writers block...

until next time

Roxanna

Taking Back me- #2. How do you react to compliments? Why

     Woooooow... that question is very significant for me. I also think it says alot about a person.
I was seeing a therapist a few months back and he did an analysis on me. The biggest thing for me was my reaction to compliments.
      
     When someone compliments me, I brush it off. I rarely say thank you and ALWAYS find a way to contradict what they've complimented me on. I dont do this to fish for MORE compliments. I really do it because it makes me uncomfortable to think that anyone notices anything nice about me. I don't like to stand out in a crowd, I like to blend in and people watch. To think that someone else might be observing ME makes me very insecure because my thought process is somewhere along along the lines of " if they've noticed something good, they've surely noticed the bad". Also, there's that awkward moment where you have to notice something great about the other person and compliment them. I mean, that's fine... I love uplifting other people. I love complimenting, gift giving and focusing on others.
  
     I think that's part of the reason of why I'm such a great mom. She welcomes my attention, even needs it.
My therapist challenged me to just accept what this person has said. Say thank you, even dwell on it in a positive manner. But don't brush it off, don't contradict it. I thought that I most certainly could do this.. how hard could it be?
    
     I was very wrong and even  to this day, I still struggle with any kind of attention, compliments or gift giving. I hate it so much that I pick fights on birthdays, holidays and even Valentines Day. I've NEVER had a good Valentines Day and it's not because I don't have good valentines, I do... I just don't like to be focused on at all.
 
     When I was younger, my grandmother used to admonish me for looking at my reflection in the mirror. She thought it was vain and absolutely hated it. My cousins made fun of everything, from my nose and mouth to my personality. Living with all of them and being the youngest, other than Kris, I really took this stuff to heart.     
    
     As I got older, I grew into my lips and people would tell me how beautiful they were... but I would just brush it off as "they've picked the ugliest thing on my face to compliment me on so that I dont feel bad.."
I HATED my lips growing up... my dad would tell me I'd love them one day because people paid to have lips like mine...

     But I never did.

     After being adopted, I had two Korean sisters, both with long, jet black, straight hair...
My hair was curly and unruly... I spent years trying to get it straight (eventually gave up on THAT, lol!) Peers at school would tell me how much they loved my curly hair.. they would comment on how soft it was and lots would inquire as of to how I got my hair to curl that way... but I simply brushed it off as a kindness compliment bc growing up with my cousins, I was always told how ugly my hair was and eventually growing up with white parents and two korean sisters made me extremely self conscious of my big, mulatto hair...
All of my sisters were always shaped like caucaisions... straight up and down... but even as a child, my figure was more curvacious than most... never mind that it was mostly muscle and not an ounce of fat anywhere (I see that now when I look at photos.. but never then)... to this day, I'm still VERY self conscious about my body because I never understood why it didnt look like theirs..

                                            Alexis, Me, Kris and Ashleigh
  
     In my walk back to him, God has convicted me. He says that he made each and every one of us as individuals.. even that he knew what he was doing and what we would be before we were just a thought.

Jeremiah 1:5: Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you apart; I
appointed you as a prophet to the nations."

Psalm 139:13-16: For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I
praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that
full well. My frame was not hidden from You when I was made in the secret place. When I was
woven together in the depths of the earth, Your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained
for me were written in Your book before one of them came to be.

 

Genesis 1:27
27 So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.

        

      I'm not implying that it is a SIN to be insecure... I'm just simply saying that if God made me to be like him.. If I'm made in HIS image, then I am perfectly made. I hope to be able to shelter Maleigha from my Self-esteem issues because I know that it's easy for a mother to pass this along to her daughter. If I don't see myself as fearfully and wonderfully made by the God that created me, what's to make her see this?

And last but not least, what about Paul? He couldve been insecure because of his eye sight and speech issues. But he wasnt and was chosen by Jesus to disciple and lead other Christians in the salvation of the Jews.

(2 Corinthians 12:7-9) just because of the excess of the revelations. Therefore, that I might not feel overly exalted, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, an angel of Satan, to keep slapping me, that I might not be overly exalted. 8 In this behalf I three times entreated the Lord that it might depart from me; 9 and yet he really said to me: “My undeserved kindness is sufficient for you; for [my] power is being made perfect in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, will I rather boast as respects my weaknesses, that the power of the Christ may like a tent remain over me.

Wrapping up day 2 of Taking Back Me is important. This is what I've learned. 

       I feel as though this could be a slap in the face to God if he didn't know my heart. I think I could damage   Maleigha if I continued to carry these burdens with me and not hand them over to my god.   I know what I want for my daughter and I dont want her to feel insecure about her self. I dont want her to be ashamed to stand out in a crowd of people. I'm not saying I want her to be a ham.. I just want her to be content with her. 

      

     My dad told us girls how beautiful we were multiple times a day. He gave us lots of hugs, lots of kisses... bedtime stories and lots of father daughter bonding time so that when a male told us that we were pretty, we weren't rolling over in admiration for them.

      

     I know lots of young girls didnt have father figures growing up or didnt share the special bond that I shared with my dad. I know that it's important that Maleigha's father remain in her life and that he's to her what my dad was to me. I know that as a mother it's important for me to step in, also and teach her that she IS beautiful and that God made her perfectly because she is made like him.

    

      For Maleigha and I both, I plan to follow through with the advice of my therapist. To accept compliments and not brush them off. To use MY insecurities, not to burden her but to be a testimony to her because I believe we struggle so that we can help others...

quotes about discovering you

People often say that this or that person has not yet found himself.  But the self is not something one finds, it is something one creates.  ~Thomas Szasz, "Personal Conduct," The Second Sin, 1973


You have to leave the city of your comfort and go into the wilderness of your intuition.  What you'll discover will be wonderful.  What you'll discover is yourself.  ~Alan Alda


Never mind searching for who you are.  Search for the person you aspire to be.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


Man cannot remake himself without suffering, for he is both the marble and the sculptor.  ~Dr. Alexis Carrel


The greatest explorer on this earth never takes voyages as long as those of the man who descends to the depth of his heart.  ~Julien Green


There came a time when the risk to remain tight in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.  ~Anaïs Nin


The value of identity of course is that so often with it comes purpose.  ~Richard Grant


Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue.  Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them.  And the point is, to live everything.  Live the questions now.  Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.  ~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet


All men should strive
to learn before they die
what they are running from, and to, and why.
~James Thurber


I know well what I am fleeing from but not what I am in search of.  ~Michel de Montaigne


If you don't get lost, there's a chance you may never be found.  ~Author Unknown


I went to the woods because I wished to live deliberately, to front only the essential facts of life, and see if I could not learn what it had to teach, and not, when I came to die, discover that I had not lived.  ~Henry David Thoreau, 1854


A man travels the world over in search of what he needs and returns home to find it.  ~George Moore


It is good to feel lost... because it proves you have a navigational sense of where "Home" is.  You know that a place that feels like being found exists.  And maybe your current location isn't that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it.  ~Erika Harris, lifeblazing.com


If in the last few years you haven't discarded a major opinion or acquired a new one, check your pulse.  You may be dead.  ~Gelett Burgess


Endurance is frequently a form of indecision.  ~Elizabeth Bibesco, Haven, 195


Man never knows what he wants; he aspires to penetrate mysteries and as soon as he has, he wants to reestablish them.  Ignorance irritates him and knowledge cloys.  ~Amiel, Journal, 1884


The man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.  ~Muhammad Ali


Perhaps the truth depends on a walk around the lake.  ~Wallace Stevens


One may understand the cosmos, but never the ego; the self is more distant than any star.  ~G.K. Chesterton, "The Logic of Elfland," Orthodoxy, 1908


If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire deeper insights into what you believe?  The things most worth reading are precisely those that challenge our convictions.  ~Author Unknown


It is only when we silent the blaring sounds of our daily existence that we can finally hear the whispers of truth that life reveals to us, as it stands knocking on the doorsteps of our hearts.  ~K.T. Jong


I met a lot of people in Europe.  I even encountered myself.  ~James Baldwin


There are chapters in every life which are seldom read and certainly not aloud.  ~Carol Shields


To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of your life you are the solution.  ~Joe Cordare


Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.  ~Henry David Thoreau


No single event can awaken within us a stranger totally unknown to us.  To live is to be slowly born.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942, translated from French by Lewis Galantière


In search of my mother's garden, I found my own.  ~Alice Walker


Why should we honour those that die upon the field of battle?  A man may show as reckless a courage in entering into the abyss of himself.  ~William Butler Yeats


If you haven't had at least a slight poetic crack in the heart, you have been cheated by nature.  ~Phyllis Battelle


Learning how to operate a soul figures to take time.  ~Timothy Leary


I've left Bethlehem
and I feel free...
I've left the girl I was supposed to be
and some day I'll be born.
~Paula Cole


Resolve to be thyself; and know that he who finds himself, loses his misery.  ~Matthew Arnold, "Self-Dependence," Empedocles on Etna, and Other Poems, 1852


To dare to live alone is the rarest courage; since there are many who had rather meet their bitterest enemy in the field, than their own hearts in their closet.  ~Charles Caleb Colton, Lacon, 1825


No one remains quite what he was when he recognizes himself.  ~Thomas Mann


Every one of us has in him a continent of undiscovered character.  Blessed is he who acts the Columbus to his own soul.  ~Author Unknown


There's a period of life when we swallow a knowledge of ourselves and it becomes either good or sour inside.  ~Pearl Bailey

I can teach anybody how to get what they want out of life.  The problem is that I can't find anybody who can tell me what they want.  ~Mark Twain


He who knows others is learned;
He who knows himself is wise.
~Lao-tzu, Tao te Ching


You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself one.  ~James A. Froude


Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth.  ~Alan Watts


Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark.  ~Zen Proverb


We are the products of editing, rather than authorship.  ~George Wald, "The Origin of Optical Activity," Annals of the New York Academy of Science, 1975


To be too conscious is an illness - a real thoroughgoing illness.  ~Fyodor Dostoevski


Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through.  Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it.  This is a kind of death.  ~Anaïs Nin


There are... things which a man is afraid to tell even to himself, and every decent man has a number of such things stored away in his mind.  ~Fyodor Dostoyevsky, "Notes from the Underground," 1864


It's a helluva start, being able to recognize what makes you happy.  ~Lucille Ball


Oh! that you could turn your eyes towards the napes of your necks, and make but an interior survey of your good selves.  ~William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"


Know thyself, or at least keep renewing the acquaintance.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


It's terrifying to see someone inside of whom a vital spring seems to have been broken.  It's particularly terrifying to see him in your mirror.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


Men go abroad to wonder at the heights of mountains, at the huge waves of the sea, at the long courses of the rivers, at the vast compass of the ocean, at the circular motions of the stars, and they pass by themselves without wondering.  ~St. Augustine


When you re-read a classic you do not see in the book more than you did before.  You see more in you than there was before.  ~Clifton Fadiman


There is nothing like returning to a place that remains unchanged to find the ways in which you yourself have altered.  ~Nelson Mandela


For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to get themselves filed.  ~Clifton Fadiman


Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very fast.  People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B that so many people from point A are so keen to get there.  They often wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell they wanted to be.  ~Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy


Confusion now hath made his masterpiece.  ~William Shakespeare


I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I intended to be.  ~Douglas Adams


We run away all the time to avoid coming face to face with ourselves.  ~Author Unknown


The difficult part in an argument is not to defend one's opinion but rather to know it.  ~André Maurois


He not busy being born is busy dying.  ~Bob Dylan


It is a puzzling thing.  The truth knocks on the door and you say, "Go away, I'm looking for the truth," and so it goes away.  Puzzling.  ~Robert M. Pirsig


A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it.  ~Jean de La Fontaine


There is a limit to how much you can change to be liked for who you really are.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


The indispensable first step to getting the things you want out of life is this:  decide what you want.  ~Ben Stein


Driving down the wrong road and knowing it,
The fork years behind, how many have thought
To pull up on the shoulder and leave the car
Empty, strike out across the fields; and how many
Are still mazed among dock and thistle,
Seeking the road they should have taken?
~Damon Knight, The Man in the Tree, 1984


Those who are brutally honest are seldom so with themselves.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Second Neurotic's Notebook, 1966


Your work is to discover your world and then with all your heart give yourself to it.  ~Buddha


By all means use sometimes to be alone.  Salute thyself; see what thy soul doth wear.  ~George Herbert


Becoming conscious is of course a sacrilege against nature; it is as though you had robbed the unconscious of something.  ~Carl G. Jung


We catch frightful glimpses of ourselves in the hostile eyes of others.  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960


"Know thyself?"  If I knew myself, I'd run away.  ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe


Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes.  ~Hugh Prather


And if you find everything as soon as you look for it, you find it in vain, you look for it in vain.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin


You'll never find peace of mind until you listen to your heart.  ~George Michael, "Kissing A Fool"


To know what you prefer, instead of humbly saying "Amen" to what the world tells you you ought to prefer, is to keep your soul alive.  ~Robert Louis Stevenson


Let your heart guide you.  It whispers, so listen carefully.  ~Littlefoot's mother, Land Before Time


You're always in either first or fifth, but you know there's a lot of great gears in between.  ~Tony to Angela on Who's The Boss


If a man happens to find himself, he has a mansion which he can inhabit with dignity all the days of his life.  ~James A. Michener


It's a great thing when you realize you still have the ability to surprise yourself.  Makes you wonder what else you can do that you've forgotten about.  ~Alan Ball, American Beauty, 1999


One's own self is well hidden from one's own self; of all mines of treasure, one's own is the last to be dug up.  ~Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche


If you're not a rebel by the age of twenty, you've got no heart, but if you haven't turned establishment by thirty, you've got no brains.  ~Swimming with Sharks, 1994, written & directed by George Huang, spoken by the character Buddy Ackerman played by Kevin Spacey


They must often change, who would be constant in happiness or wisdom.  ~Confucius


Your distress about life might mean you have been living for the wrong reason, not that you have no reason for living.  ~Tom O'Connor


In order to judge properly, one must get away somewhat from what one is judging, after having loved it.  This is true of countries, of persons, and of oneself.  ~André Gide


You cannot fully understand your own life without knowing and thinking beyond your life, your own neighborhood, and even your own nation.  ~Johnnetta Cole


There's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line.
And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine.
~Indigo Girls, "Closer to Fine"


A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything.  ~Samuel Johnson, Boswell, Life of Johnson, 1783


No question is so difficult to answer as that to which the answer is obvious.  ~George Bernard Shaw


There is an eternal landscape, a geography of the soul; we search for its outlines all our lives.  ~Josephine Hart


God, why do I storm heaven for answers that are already in my heart?  Every grace I need has already been given me.  Oh, lead me to the Beyond within.  ~Macrina Wieherkehr


Camouflage is a game we all like to play, but our secrets are as surely revealed by what we want to seem to be as by what we want to conceal.  ~Russell Lynes


[L]ife ceases to be a fraction and becomes an integer.  ~Harry Emerson Fosdick, On Being a Real Person


Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.  ~Lorraine Hansberry, A Raisin in the Sun


Truth hurts - not the searching after; the running from!  ~John Eyberg


A man's growth is seen in the successive choirs of his friends.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson


I... recommend to every one of my Readers, the keeping a Journal of their Lives for one Week, and setting down punctually their whole Series of Employments during that Space of Time.  This kind of Self-Examination would give them a true State of themselves, and incline them to consider seriously what they are about.  One Day would rectifie the Omissions of another, and make a Man weigh all those indifferent Actions, which, though they are easily forgotten, must certainly be accounted for.  ~Joseph Addison, 1712


It is not only the most difficult thing to know oneself, but the most inconvenient one, too.  ~H.W. Shaw


For souls in growth, great quarrels are great emancipators.  ~Logan Pearsall Smith


Few people know so clearly what they want.  Most people can't even think what to hope for when they throw a penny in a fountain.  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams


Living is being born slowly.  It would be a little too easy if we could borrow ready-made souls.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, Flight to Arras, 1942


If you can go through life without experiencing pain you probably haven’t been born yet.  ~Neil Simon


Man is least himself when he talks in his own person.  Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.  ~Oscar Wilde


That's the way things come clear.  All of a sudden.  And then you realize how obvious they've been all along.  ~Madeleine L'Engle


Just as we outgrow a pair of trousers, we outgrow acquaintances, libraries, principles, etc., at times before they're worn out and times - and this is the worst of all - before we have new ones.  ~G.C. Lichtenberg


There are joys which long to be ours.  God sends ten thousands truths, which come about us like birds seeking inlet; but we are shut up to them, and so they bring us nothing, but sit and sing awhile upon the roof, and then fly away.  ~Henry Ward Beecher


You will never come up against a greater adversary than your own potential, my young friend.  ~Michael Piller and Michael Wagner, Star Trek: The Next Generation, "Evolution," Dr. Paul Stubbs to Wesley Crusher, original airdate 25 September 1989, stardate 43,125.8


"Know thyself" - a maxim as pernicious as it is odious.  A person observing himself would arrest his own development.  Any caterpillar who tried to "know himself" would never become a butterfly.  ~André Gide, Nouvelles Nourritures


Real birthdays are not annual affairs.  Real birthdays are the days when we have a new birth.  ~Ralph Parlette


If you aren't sure who you are, you might as well work on who you want to be.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


Pain reaches the heart with electrical speed, but truth moves to the heart as slowly as a glacier.  ~Barbara Kingsolver, Animal Dreams


Readjusting is a painful process, but most of us need it at one time or another.  ~Arthur Christopher Benson


When your heart speaks, take good notes.  ~Judith Campbell


Like an old gold-panning prospector, you must resign yourself to digging up a lot of sand from which you will later patiently wash out a few minute particles of gold ore.  ~Dorothy Bryant


Everyone is born a king, and most people die in exile.  ~Oscar Wilde, A Woman of No Importance, 1893


Man's main task in life is to give birth to himself, to become what he potentially is.  The most important product of his effort is his own personality.  ~Erich Fromm


Leaving home in a sense involves a kind of second birth in which we give birth to ourselves.  ~Robert Neelly Bellah, Habits of the Heart, 1985


The contemplative life is often miserable.  One must act more, think less, and not watch oneself live.  ~Nicolas Chamfort


The simplest questions are the most profound.  Where were you born?  Where is your home?  Where are you going?  What are you doing?  Think about these once in a while and watch your answers change.  ~Richard Bach


There is a great deal of unmapped country within us which would have to be taken into account in an explanation of our gusts and storms.  ~George Eliot


Man can starve from a lack of self-realization as much as... from a lack of bread.  ~Richard Wright, Native Son, 1940


The truth is that it is natural, as well as necessary, for every man to be a vagabond occasionally.  ~Samuel H. Hammond


We have five senses in which we glory and which we recognize and celebrate, senses that constitute the sensible world for us.  But there are other senses - secret senses, sixth senses, if you will - equally vital, but unrecognized, and unlauded.  ~Oliver Sacks


There is deep wisdom within our very flesh, if we can only come to our senses and feel it.  ~Elizabeth A. Behnke


There are people who live their whole lives on the default settings, never realizing you can customize.  ~Robert Brault, www.robertbrault.com


God hides things by putting them all around us.  ~Author Unknown


I think that wherever your journey takes you, there are new gods waiting there, with divine patience - and laughter.  ~Susan M. Watkins


Quality begins on the inside... and then works its way out.  ~Bob Moawad

Taking Back Me- #1 What are your core values?

I've come to the realization that after entering into my relationship3 years ago, I lost sight of the person that I am.

 Anyone meeting me after the first year of this relationship really has no idea who ROXY is... 

How could they if even I've forgotten me? After the year mark of my relationship, I was no longer Roxy but RoxyandTravis. I'd come to the understanding that if I wanted to KEEP my relationship with this person that I loved so much and valued so much, I was going to have to make a few changes and a lot of compromises. It's a nice concept and relationships ARE about compromises  but I did it way wrong. My intentions were all the best but as stated above, I lost the individuality of ME in the relationship. I was no longer offering up what Rox would bring to the table but I was instead changing my life to center around this relationship and this person. I understand (and understood before I helped make this mess of us) that you have to be two individuals creating a whole to make one..  

After having my daughter, I was TravisandMaleigha. I'd completely taken MY needs out of the whole equation, in turn creating a web of resentment and lots of finger pointing and blaming. As stated in a previous entry, I love anything that has to do with creative writing and the best way for me to figure anything out is to put it in visible words. So in an effort to take back ME and make myself 1/3 of a whole, as opposed to just one, I've decided to blog it out!

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My core values come from many places. My parents, interactions with others,watching others and many experiences through the years. I know that some will become more important than others and I'll add on more as the years progress and my life experiences change but I have an understanding that they will all remain important to me.

The foundation for my core values are important and they will help me raise Maleigha to the best of knowledge, make me a better person and improve the way I interact with others. My parents have instilled these in me since I was a child. 

First and foremost, is that God is first. He is placed before your spouse, your children and any other relationship you may maintain with others.

"In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success."  - Proverbs 3:6 

  "Roll your works upon the Lord [commit and trust them wholly to Him; He will cause your thoughts to become agreeable to His will, and] so shall your plans be established and succeed."

-Proverbs 16:3 

 "God is faithful, and he will not let you be tested beyond your strength but with your testing he will also provide the way out so that you may be able to endure it" 

-1 Corinthians 10:13

If you don't have God as the focal point of your relationships or your life... if you're loving someone/something more than God then your relationship, or that thing that you love so much.. is all in vain. But if you put him first and seek his council in everything that you do, you are less likely to make the mistakes that you make now. If you learn to listen to him, he will never direct you in the wrong direction, he'll bless the path that you're walking because it's HIS will .He'll never give you more than you can handle because we are supposed to be a testament to others in our love for him. How can we be a testimony of faith if he's walking us down the wrong path or if we aren't succeeding at what he'd have us do? We simply can not and because we are supposed to be a witness of his love to other people,  God blesses those that listen to him and walks with him He equipps them with the tools necessary to get the tasks done that he's assigned us for our purpose of this life.   My parents also taught me that no matter what I've been through, someone SOMEWHERE in the Bible has been there and God has an answer for it all.. the Bible is our blueprint to life. You wouldn't take on an enormous task of building a house all by yourself with no blueprint.. why take on a huge task, such as life, without your blueprint? Why stress and go through life in a frenzy because you feel as if you have no answers for any of life's biggest issues? I've learned that they ARE right (as usual) and there are solutions and ways to avoid the majority of my mistakes by talking daily with God and visiting him in his word.

They taught me to love unconditionally...and to forgive. I struggle with this a little bit but I'm trying my hardest to grasp it for my sake, for Maleigha's and for Travis' because now that I understand it, it's made such a huge impact on my life. I can't even begin to explain to you the mistakes that I made as a teen and well into my 20's. OH. MY. GOODNESS. Every time I faltered, I thought for SURE that my parents would disown me. As I continued to make mistake after mistake and bad decisions, one after another, I thought for sure that I was getting closer to being unloved and disliked. I was always apologetic and contemplative AFTER my bad decision but never once thought, before making a poor choice, the affect that it would have on them or me. My dad always said " I don't mind you guys making mistakes, I know you will.. I just don't want you to make the same stupid mistakes over and over again" He could never figure out why we never learned from others mistakes...we were def stove-top-kids, lol. ESPECIALLY Kris and I. Once I started realizing what I was going though, how I was hurting them and me... I took a step back and re evaluated my life. My heart hurt for myself and my parents because of the hell that I'd put us all through. But I realized that they never once stopped loving me. They love pretty hard. I'm so grateful for this value that they brought into my life. I'm so thankful that their love never came with conditions, that even after my mistakes and after coming out of my fog of stupid, they were still there for me with open arms. Wide open. Even my mother whom I'd so blatantly disrespected for 13 years. In the aspect of loving, like my parents, I love hard. I understand that people make mistakes and that I need to forgive. I understand the freedom that comes with forgiving someone. It's one of the biggest obstacles in my life right now though, because I'm still a little iffy on the process but it goes back to placing God as the center of your life. I'm obviously not quite there yet. My dad says that we need to learn what's a big deal and in life, there really aren't too many not worth forgiving. I should know this better than anyone. In 2006, my little sister and I had an altercation a few days before her death. I called her selfish.. she was anything but.. I understand now that she was just more frugal than the rest of us girls, lol. She liked to save everything.  Anyways, I'll never ever get this out of my head.. it should always be a constant reminder but I often forget more than I remember. I called her selfish..and she gabbed my hand 

 "No, I'm not.. I'm not Rox" I saw the hurt in her face. But my defense then, was she'd hurt me. The person that I was then, I'm ashamed to say.. fed a little off knowing that I'd hurt her like she'd hurt me. So even while my heart was hurting for hurting her.. I brushed her hand off of me and disappeared to my room. I will never forget the look in her eyes.. I'll never forget any of it. See.. growing up, we were really close. Anytime either of us fought with anyone, we appeared in the others room to comfort them. I slept in her room when it was thundering and lightning.. but she was my little sister so when I felt anyone had approached her wrong, I was very confrontational, as I am with my other family members. The night she died, we were still in a disagreement.. she'd had a disagreement with a member of our family and was very visibly upset. But this time, I didn't go to comfort her bc I was upset with her. I don't know.. I guess I always just figured it would come later. Later never came. A few days after her funeral, I saw a game she would've loved and in my stupor I reached for it.. only to remember that she was no longer here. I dream about her every night and every morning when I'm coming out of dream land, I think my little sister is still alive. I don't know if this will ever stop. And I always think that if I'd forgiven her, if I'd just gone to her room or let her know that I WAS still there for her, that the night would've never happened the way it did. The weight of her death is on my shoulders and I need to forgive myself more than anything. I know she does because that's the person she was. But there's more to it.. like seeing my parents cry.. have you ever seen a grown man cry? Or your mom TRULY hurting...? It's a horrible feeling. A little forgiveness goes a long way and you never know how one "tiny" decision can affect you and those around you. Love unconditionally and help people understand that your love has no conditions... no limit.. because you truly LOVE them. If your love DOES have conditions... if a person's actions makes you not "love" them, then you never really loved them. You may have times when you dislike them... but true love is unconditional and forgiving love.

I try to always tell the truth and be honest mostly because I've learned that when you lie, you have to cover your lie up with more lies..I hate it when others lie to me. It's one of my biggest pet peeves! I do not like liars but I know I have to learn to love them, still. I feel as if I'm being deceived. I have trust issues and it takes a lot for me to let anyone new in my life (working on it!) and most people mistake it for being stuck up or snooty.. but if you only knew what I'd been through, I believe you'd completely understand. Out of respect for my biological family and at the risk of pointing fingers for my flaws, I'd rather not discuss this issue. I have a fear of letting people in my life and letting them get  too close to me. If someone lies to me, it only complicates the issue more. Because of my understanding of how I feel about this issue.. I try to be honest with everyone. Especially now because I like to feel secure in my relationships with friends and family.  I fail.. I slip up but I'm learning to ask for forgiveness :)

I believe that people should be humble and satisfied with what they've been blessed with. I believe, now, in defining my wants from my needs..my parents would probably fall over in... amazement? Relief? Ummm.. but Travis should be grateful to them for this since he's the only working member of our little family, lol! This def goes back to the mistakes that I made a few years back. Can we say shopaholic? Can we saaaay.." Roxy didn't spend her money, she spent mom's and dad's..." I was way out of control. I shopped when I was angry, when I was sad and even when I was happy... that's all the time, right? Right.. I shopped all the time. With permission, without permission... I will NEVER EVER give Maleigha a credit card.. not even for emergencies, until she starts working and learning the value of wants, needs and being humble. One Sunday I prayed to be humbled. Do you KNOW.. I'd started a new job paying a good percentage higher than my old job...but never saw a check until my mom, an attorney, had a little chat with them. But by then, they'd let me go bc I got haughty with the assistant district manager for working for so long and never seeing a check. I photographed screaming children, families ranging anywhere from 2 to a group of 20 everyday from 8 am to sometimes 11 at night (it was Christmas time) and never saw ONE check. I'd just moved into a new apartment. SO.. I lost my job, lost my apartment, found out I was pregnant (um, hello.. no money?), couldn't register for school (only two quarters left at the time) because I had no transportation.. did I mention my Ptcruiser caught fire? Well it did.. while I was in it. And I had no idea but God was looking out for me bc a stranger knocked on my window and informed me there were flames coming from the bottom of my car app 20 seconds before the floor fell out, the wind shield burst and the headlights popped out. I discovered later that my dad accidentally signed me up for liability inst of full coverage. And rarely does he make a mistake like that, he's pretty thorough. So there I was standing on the sidewalk, barefoot (now I drive with my shoes ON) with my belly poking out to never never land... .. living back at home.. not in school, no job, no money..crying. Not because I'd just escaped with my life.. but because God was being mean to me. After sitting in the house for a few weeks, I realized THIS:

I was flippant with my family and moved out on a whim thinking I had it all together and I'd show them (pretty funny.. and embarrassing!). I prayed to be humbled and humble was what he would make me. I lost everything that I thought would help me survive out there. I had a conversation with my dad and he told me God disciplines his children out of love the way that a parent disciplines their children. It's his way of giving us a little push to remind us that he's still very much there and in charge.. to walk with him.. not to try to be the driver of our own car.. to humble ourselves before him. I prayed for something and ignored him. I MEANT my prayer but I didn't build myself up to work on it..and God tapped me for a few weeks and eventually pushed me. I realized slowly but surely, I have EVERYTHING I need. I have the necessities in life... but I have more than that. I'm surrounded by people who love me.. unconditionally. If the girl I was 2 years ago plus looked in MY closet right now.. she'd turn her nose up. I was humbled. I have more respect for myself bc I know what REALLY matters. I have more respect for my family.. I know they work hard for the money I threw away. And I have one more tool to help me successfully raise my princess.

 So.. that took awhile to get out.. but like I said, this is a journey of self-[re]discovery...and I need to thoroughly examine every single aspect of my life. I know my foundation of me  is built on being a loving person.. to do it unconditionally.. to forgive willingly so that I can be free, to always be honest and to put God first in EVERYTHING that I do so that he can guide me and so that he will bless my decisions and to be humble before him and others. I officially hand over the driver seat to him bc I'm CLEARLY not driving right.

Partying All Night Has A New Meaning...

It's 1:06 am. 

Maleigha has been giving me hell. 

She's whining and crying and throwing a serious temper tantrum right now. 

I've talked to her, sung songs with her.. held her, rocked her...

She just isn't really interested in sleep tonight. 

We've been doing this since 11 PM.. 

And it's great and all until mommy's eyes start to get gritty and heavy

1:18am

She's so tired and sleepy, she's crying with her eyes closed, lol. 

She's not even really crying... she's making a crying sound, verrrry softly with her eyes shut.

Every once in awhile, she'll open them and let out a loud wail, like it's really hurting her to go to sleep...

She'll have a whole "conversation (or 2 or 3) with you before she even considers sleep an option

Then she stares at her chubby little hands and plays with her fingers until she's cross eyed from exhaustion,,

STILL not giving sleep the slightest of interests

 I swear she has fallen asleep with her eyes open

When she starts snoring, I shut them for her..

This has happened twice and hopefully never again because it's a little disconcerting, lol

The more noise and interaction around her, the better she sleeps but she cries hysterically before falling asleep.. 

I guess out of fear that she'll miss something

My little curious Stinker Binker

She's starting to crawl with assistance... so she likes to put her arms on my tummy and feet on the bed so she can push/crawl up her way up to my face

She gets reeeeallly close and I move my face away from hers with my eyes shut

She surprised me the other night though, because every time I moved my face she inched her way back up until we were eyelid to eyeball, lol

I guess she wasn't too fond of my eyes being shut because she gabbed my lips and screeched at me, haha

It really hurt but I laughed because I love that she now knows what to do with her hands and I love that she knows how to express her emotions through USING her hands

Everyday she does something new and though it might seem simple and slight to the normal person, it makes me bubble over with joy and happiness. 

Especially when she learned to giggle.

I'll do anything to make her laugh

It's my new favorite sound!

That and when she's "talking"

Her little eyebrows go together and she puts on her serious face and looks at you with her serious eyes and coos and talks until her little heart is content. 

I talk back to her and sometimes forget that she's not even speaking my language, this can go on anywhere from 45 minutes until and hour

<3 it!

1:53

Anyways, I hear her snoring, so I'm assuming she's asleep... 

That's DEFINITELY my cue to turn in!

Goodnight

Hello... Goodmorning

Well, Maleigha DID wake up as soon as I shut my eyes... 

And as soon as I shut my eyes AGAIN, He woke me up

Then Maleigha.. then the boys...

I heard Brandon and J.D taking off down the drive way... dont ask me how.

Normally with B, the 2 year old, the more noise you hear, the LESS he's into

I heard the little chitter chatter of B and J and on a whim, decided to poke my head out of the window... 

B, the wild child... the "blink-and-you'll-miss-him"... The energizer bunny... 

Was in a full fledged gallop down the drive way with J along for the ride...

Conversation following left me scratching my head

"B! What are you DOING!? Come BACK down the drive way NOW"

"Dwiveway?Now?Dwiveway?"

"YES!! Bring Jay with you.. Jay you have no shoes on! Where are your shoes?"

Huh?

Shoes?

HUH?

SHOES?

::Scratches head:: Huuuuh?

JAY!! 

huh?

B, Where's your mom??

Outshide

Umm.. WHERE outside?

Outshide...she outshide

Kris?

Yeah...

I thought about this after I got back in the bed... annnnd... 

REALLY??

My World... But I Just Live In It ;)

It's 2 AM but I cant sleep... 

I'm so E.X.C.I.T.E.D to have found this blog. I dont write enough anymore. I used to write all the time... any thought crossing my mind was put onto paper or blogged about. I communicate better with a pen and paper or keyboard better than I do face to face with a person. I think it might have something to do with me feeling as if whatever I put down on paper (or screen) is personal... actual thoughts crossing my mind and it's a little scary to share those out loud. My communication skills suck. I get too flustered. It's as if there's an automatic filter from my brain to my mouth (ONLY when I DONT need it, when I DO need it, I'm spouting off all kinds of crazy things!) and what I'm TRYING to say comes out misconstrued as of to what I actually MEAN... go figure, right? Anyways, writing is therapeutic to me. It cleanses me. There's something so calming and serene about letting go of each and every individual thought... 

This is not why I cant sleep though..

Funny how the Nyquil bottle says "May cause excitability in children"

Extra funny how even an Ibuprofen will put me to sleep

But this nightime coughsyrup has me wide awake

It's okay though...

I'm being held captive by the soft snoring and cooing coming from the crib next to my bed. :) I love that she smiles in her sleep... I never thought it was possible to be so enamored with someone, that you'd truly ENJOY watching them sleep... most of the time, if I'm looking at a sleeping person, I'm envious... MAJORITY of the time, if I can hear someone snoring while I'm trying to sleep, I contemplate smothering them with my pillow...Keyword: contemplate... never done it.. 

This is quite different from what I'd be doing 2  years ago... or even last year, at 3 am... I can't believe how much she's changed my life. You never FULLY understand until you're a mother. There's no way to explain it to anyone... She's made my heart open so wide but not wide enough bc I feel as if it's going to explode with love.

It's the warm mushy feeling you get... 

the one that makes your toes tingle,

your abdomen flutter,

your heart quicken

... and you get such a warm feeling in your chest and tummy, that it feels like your heart is pumping extra blood...

When I brought her home from the hospital, I had to keep checking on her... looking at her. I wanted to make sure she was still here.. that it wasn't just a dream ,haha...

I know He got sick of me saying " I can't believe she's mine.. look what I made.. she's so perfect..."  and yadayadayada... as if I'd made her all by myself (It FELT like it, I was the one carrying her for 9 months and 3 weeks, in labor for a full 24 hours... having my tummy cut open and dealing with the aftermath of things not being where they used to be for 3 whole months... eeek) 

Ummm.. these days, out of respect for him and because of the fact that she's a dead ringer for him, I try to acknowledge that WE made her... 

Still...

If she didnt look so much like him, I'd try to take allll of the credit..

Thankfully my eyelids are starting to feel heavy 

I'm almost certain that when I close my eyes, she'll open hers....

Goodnight.

love

rox